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70 Percent of Kids In Sports Quit By Their Teens—Here’s How (and Why) To Keep Them In the Game

October 11, 2021
By Coastal Community School

There are so many benefits of playing sports in childhood, including boosts in physical health and social and emotional skills. However, about 70 percent of kids stop playing sports by age 13, says a poll from the National Alliance for Youth Sports. The reason? “It’s just not fun anymore.”

Amanda Visek, a professor at George Washington University, has designed a comprehensive research project to map out what kids think is “fun” or “not fun” about playing sports—and the answers are far from what adults tend to expect. Rather than defining fun as goofing off, the young sports players in the research study defined fun in 81 different ways, and the three most important categories were “being a good sport,” “positive coaching,” and “trying hard.”

Visek also researched what kids feel takes the fun out of sports, and some of the most prevalent answers had to do with unwanted parent behaviors (such as putting too much pressure on athletes, or yelling at coaches or officials during games) and unwanted coaching behaviors.

Julianna Miner, a parent of three, agrees that pressure from adults is a major factor in kids quitting sports. She writes in the Washington Post, “Our culture no longer supports older kids playing for the fun of it. The pressure to raise ‘successful’ kids means that we expect them to be the best. If they’re not, they’re encouraged to cut their losses and focus on areas where they can excel.”

Unfortunately, this attitude leads to many kids missing out on crucial life skills that can be developed from being on a sports team—and these can be even more important for girls. “Sports, and particularly team sports, tend to give women and girls things that they otherwise have a hard time getting, like resilience, grit, knowledge of teamwork, knowledge of leadership,” argued Debora Spar, a professor at Harvard Business School.

So how can parents prevent kids from being driven away from sports? 

One of Visek’s top tips, as told to the Way of Champions podcast, is to really “listen to what the kid wants … fostering their own sense of autonomy, giving them choice. Not making them play soccer or football because you played it, not living vicariously through our own kids.” In addition, she recommends keeping things positive, providing encouragement and support, and asking kids what they’re learning and what is rewarding about playing.

Miner also points out that “There is a clear push for kids to specialize and achieve at the highest possible level,” even though “early specialization can be harmful in terms of long-term injuries, and it does little to increase one’s overall chances of later collegiate or professional success.” Visek agrees that “sports specialization gets you nowhere fast.”

So rather than worrying about your child finding the best sport and sticking with it until they become masters, a more beneficial approach would be to let them try new things for the fun of it, and to think about many different ways to stay active and practice a range of movements.

 

Originally written by Joanna Eng and published here:

https://parents-together.org/70-percent-of-kids-in-sports-quit-by-their-teens-heres-how-and-why-to-keep-them-in-the-game/

7 Calming Anger and Anxiety Coping Skills For Tweens

September 02, 2021
By Coastal Community School

Is your kid old enough now that they’d just roll their eyes if you tried to suggest something like, “Let’s take five deep breaths together” when they’re upset? It’s time to learn some new coping mechanisms that are more age appropriate, and that cut through the resistance when they’re clearly angry or anxious but just don’t want your help—or don’t want to admit they do.

These seven options help your older child deal with negative emotions in healthier ways. With these more advanced coping mechanisms, your kid is less likely to feel like they’re being patronized or misunderstood—and more likely to feel better.

7 Options for Helping an Upset Teen/Tween Cope

1. Provide hands-on tools, without the pressure

Sometimes kids don’t want to admit they want your help, because the added pressure from you stresses them out even more. Try suggesting a hands-on calming activity, then step away so they can decide to try it without you watching them or lecturing about its benefits.

Say: “Here, I left some bubble wrap and these new drawing pens here for you. Just in case you need a good distraction.”

Then give them some space and quiet. After they’ve calmed their nerves or anger a bit, you can see if they’re ready to talk.

2. Tell an inner secret

Start telling your child about a time when you had a really strong emotion and what you did about it. It helps demonstrate that you’re human and you’ve dealt with difficult things too.

Say something like: “Once I was really angry at your dad and just wanted to get away and think, so I ended up walking all the way across town, but then I was so far away and so hungry that I had to call him to come pick me up.”

3. Literally change the soundtrack

Music can be a great calming or mood-boosting tool, but you might not know what your child wants to listen to. So try to use a little humor and distraction to get them there: Start playing a song that you like but you know your kid will make fun of, or a goofy song that your kid loved as a toddler, or even a cheesy “relaxing ambiance” video.

Say: “I know you probably hate this song, but it’s what I listen to when I’m feeling down. Here, change it to whatever you want.”

4. Fact-check negative thoughts

If your child’s brain is blaring something emotion-based like, “I’m going to make a fool of myself during my presentation today,” of course they’ll feel nervous and upset going into their day. But it’s important to remember that their thoughts are not facts.

Say: “What evidence do you have for or against that thought? Let’s make a list of only the facts.”

5. Play “What’s the worst that could happen?”

This is another way to give your child a reality check, and can also provide a creative outlet for them to express themselves. Once they have a grasp on the worst outcome that they’re afraid of, they can realize that not only is that probably not going to happen, but even if it did happen, they’d survive.

Say: “Sometimes when I’m feeling anxious it helps when I ask myself: What’s the worst thing that could happen? And then I write down or voice-record an over-the-top story about how horrible everything could go. Feel free to share it with me if you want, or just toss it.”

6. Switch parent/child roles

After a child has gotten some space and calmed down, one way to talk about how to improve behavior next time is to ask hypothetical questions and even try a little role play. This kind of prompt can help them get out of their own head and see the bigger picture.

Say: “If you were the parent and I was the kid, what would you do if I came home and started yelling and pushing my brother and slamming the doors, and wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong?”

7. Model setting a concrete goal

If your teen or tween seems stuck in an unhealthy pattern of expressing (or not expressing) their emotions, it could help if they set a specific goal or intention, like only saying kind words to a sibling. But take it one day at a time to start.

Say: “Why don’t we each set a goal for the day, and we can check in with each other later? My goal is to look at people when I’m talking so I don’t have to yell across the house. So feel free to remind me if I forget.”

At CCS, we endeavor to create a comfortable and enjoyable approach to education for every grade level. 
 

Originally written by Joanna Eng and published here:

https://parents-together.org/7-calming-anger-and-anxiety-coping-skills-for-tweens-teens/

Teaching Kids How to be Humble

August 01, 2021
By Coastal Community School

The growth of humility in your child's life will lead to positive development in many other areas of their character and relationships.

Scripture shows us which characteristics are most important in our lives and the lives of our children. Based on scripture, one characteristic that is foundational to the development of all other healthy relational and developmental traits in the life of a well-adjusted, connected, and genuinely loving child is humility. Teaching kids how to be humble in our world is critical to positive child development.

Roots of Humility

When you meet a genuinely humble person, you instinctively understand that they care about people around them regardless of race, sex, or socioeconomic status. Interestingly, the word humility comes from the word humus. If you have a garden, you know humus is the part of soil that is necessary for the growth and strengthening of plants. It provides the environment for deep-rooted growth. 

Scriptures on Humility

There are many scriptures on humility throughout the Bible. Scripture emphasizes the importance of humility and its ability to create that deep-rooted growth in many places. James writes that God gives grace to the humble and opposes the proud (James 4:6). The Bible also says it is our responsibility to humble ourselves under God’s mighty hand and to foster a humble heart (1 Peter 5:6).

Importance of Humility For Our Kids

Where humility is lacking, selfishness, anxiety, pride, and insecurities abound. Teaching kids to understand their thoughts, longings, desires, and emotions helps them observe why they do the things they do. More importantly, establishing a life or culture of prayer in your home is an excellent starting point to soften the heart and train it toward humility.

Humility in a child’s life includes learning to:

  • serve others
  • listen
  • take time for self-reflection
  • desire growth
  • be honest
  • see life through a lens of invitations rather than inconveniences 
  • see endless possibilities to love others rather than criticize
  • want the best for others
  • manage emotions 

 

7 Tips For Teaching Kids How to Be Humble

Humility leads a child toward becoming a contributor rather than a consumer as they grow and mature. Here are seven quick tips:

1. Foster a Culture of Listening First

Help your children understand that people crave to be known. Learn to discern the core desires in others.

2. Learn To Exercise and Grow in Empathy Toward Life

Parents can begin to teach humility from the time their children are infants.  

3. Foster a Mindset That Sees Invitations Rather Than Inconveniences

Opportunities to engage and serve others can be embraced as invitations rather than dreaded as inconveniences.

4. Practice a Culture of Gratitude

Look around as a family and intentionally talk about what you’re thankful for.

5. Model and Encourage a Culture of Respect

Respect each other’s unique ideas, emotions, and interests by noticing and learning to live well together in those differences.

6. Fuel Others Through Words of Encouragement

Words can be life-giving. Children can learn to genuinely encourage others without feeling the threat of losing their own value in the process.

7. Celebrate Opportunities to Serve

Map out ways you can serve within your family and in your neighborhood, school, or community. Take time to celebrate a culture of service in your home.

The growth of humility in your child’s life will lead to positive development in many other areas of their character and relationships. Take time each day to model and invest in this trait and teach your kids to be humble as you engage with them.

At CCS, we use our Sea Star Program to support and encourage qualities such as humility at school and at home. 

 

This post was originally written by Danny Huerta PsyD, MSW, LCSW, LSSW and published here:  https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teaching-kids-how-to-be-humble/

Why Friendship is Important for Children

July 01, 2021
By Coastal Community School

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” – C.S. Lewis

Friendships have a fascinating impact on our lives, some positive, and some negative. Friendships can motivate and can distract. As our kids head back to school (online or in-person), some kids are looking forward to seeing their friends and some are dreading the feelings of rejection. The pandemic has offered some new challenges for maintaining friendships, and the school year is compounding some of the challenges. Keep in mind that you may need to be creative in helping provide moments of connection for your child.

Take some time to come up with a list of ideas for connection this coming school year. This is a time for problem-solving together to help your child be connected with his or her friends. Loneliness continues to be on the rise, as well as boredom, so this is going to be an important and intentional task you take on with your family.

Listed below are the five reasons friendships are essential in your child’s life. Help your child understand the importance of choosing well when it comes to friends.

1. Friendships Build Beliefs

How have your friendships impacted you? What is a healthy friendship and unhealthy friendship? Beliefs are the driving engine to our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Friendships can have a profound influence on what we believe about ourselves and the world around us. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:24-25, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

Take some time to talk about ways friends have impacted your beliefs and ways friends have impacted your child’s beliefs. Friends can fuel internal and external action, but it’s important to understand in which direction (Proverbs 4:23). 

2. Friendships Lead Us Toward Growth

The second reason why friendship is important is that it can lead us toward growth, connection, and personal improvement. On the other side of that coin, however, it can lead us toward personal destruction, emotional pain, and distractions if we are not careful with who we choose to be our friends. Friends influence our children within three core needs that we all are hard-wired to have.

Every person has three core needs:

A Sense of Belonging – Ask, “Do you feel like you belong or that you have to find ways to fit in with your friends?” 

A Sense of Worth – You can ask, “Do you feel worthwhile when you’re with your friends, or do you have to find ways to make yourself feel worthwhile around your friends?” to be constantly guessing whether they care about you or not?”

A Sense of Competence – You can ask, “Do your friends build you up or encourage you, or do they constantly put you down?”

These three areas help a child discover their identity and will form a foundation for their identity and character. Some kids may think that rebelling or asserting independence means growth; however, it simply means eventual unhappiness, anger, disappointment. Ask your child, what do you see in this friend or these friends? How are they contributors or builders in your life as you are in theirs? 

3. Friendships Give the Opportunity to Help Build Contributor Skills Rather Than Consumer Skills

Every relationship has some give and take. One of the reasons why friendship is important is that, as friends, our kids can contribute to the growth and encouragement of their friends. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Teaching kids how to be contributors in their friendships—helping each other in times of need, encouraging each other, and praying for each other—can help them form solid foundations for friendships and relationships later in life. Teach them to become aware of how their friends influence them and how they influence friends around them.

4. Friendships Can Encourage Our Walk with Christ

Have you ever had a good friend who was closer than a brother to you and challenged you to have a deeper relationship with Christ? Children, especially, tend to become like the people with who they spend time. If our kids are spending time with friends who are believers in the Lord, they will likely begin to grow in maturity in their relationship with Christ. However, if their friends are not followers of Christ, they may influence our children into wrongdoing and wrong thinking.

Ephesians 5:6-7 tells us, “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them.” As parents, we need to encourage our children to forge strong friendships with fellow believers in Christ.

5. Friendships Can Pave the Way for Solid Relationships as an Adult

The way our kids see the world around them all starts with attachment as a baby. Newborns become attached to their parents as a matter of survival. If attachment with parents is interrupted, the child is at higher risk for adverse events later in their lives.

As babies grow into children, their attachment begins to shift from their parents to their friends. In much the same way as the bond with their parents, healthy attachment in friendships helps our children grow. These healthy attachments will also have an impact on all other relationships, including the relationship with their future spouse. If children do not form healthy friendships in their formative years, the odds of having relationship issues later in life significantly increase.

At Coastal Community School, creating friendships as part of our community is part of our core mission and values.

Originally published by Focus on the Family:  https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/back-to-school-why-friendship-is-important-for-children/

By Danny Huerta, PSYD, MSW, LCSW, LSSW.   © 2020 by Focus on the Family and Danny Huerta.

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