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Is your kid old enough now that they’d just roll their eyes if you tried to suggest something like, “Let’s take five deep breaths together” when they’re upset? It’s time to learn some new coping mechanisms that are more age appropriate, and that cut through the resistance when they’re clearly angry or anxious but just don’t want your help—or don’t want to admit they do.

These seven options help your older child deal with negative emotions in healthier ways. With these more advanced coping mechanisms, your kid is less likely to feel like they’re being patronized or misunderstood—and more likely to feel better.

7 Options for Helping an Upset Teen/Tween Cope

1. Provide hands-on tools, without the pressure

Sometimes kids don’t want to admit they want your help, because the added pressure from you stresses them out even more. Try suggesting a hands-on calming activity, then step away so they can decide to try it without you watching them or lecturing about its benefits.

Say: “Here, I left some bubble wrap and these new drawing pens here for you. Just in case you need a good distraction.”

Then give them some space and quiet. After they’ve calmed their nerves or anger a bit, you can see if they’re ready to talk.

2. Tell an inner secret

Start telling your child about a time when you had a really strong emotion and what you did about it. It helps demonstrate that you’re human and you’ve dealt with difficult things too.

Say something like: “Once I was really angry at your dad and just wanted to get away and think, so I ended up walking all the way across town, but then I was so far away and so hungry that I had to call him to come pick me up.”

3. Literally change the soundtrack

Music can be a great calming or mood-boosting tool, but you might not know what your child wants to listen to. So try to use a little humor and distraction to get them there: Start playing a song that you like but you know your kid will make fun of, or a goofy song that your kid loved as a toddler, or even a cheesy “relaxing ambiance” video.

Say: “I know you probably hate this song, but it’s what I listen to when I’m feeling down. Here, change it to whatever you want.”

4. Fact-check negative thoughts

If your child’s brain is blaring something emotion-based like, “I’m going to make a fool of myself during my presentation today,” of course they’ll feel nervous and upset going into their day. But it’s important to remember that their thoughts are not facts.

Say: “What evidence do you have for or against that thought? Let’s make a list of only the facts.”

5. Play “What’s the worst that could happen?”

This is another way to give your child a reality check, and can also provide a creative outlet for them to express themselves. Once they have a grasp on the worst outcome that they’re afraid of, they can realize that not only is that probably not going to happen, but even if it did happen, they’d survive.

Say: “Sometimes when I’m feeling anxious it helps when I ask myself: What’s the worst thing that could happen? And then I write down or voice-record an over-the-top story about how horrible everything could go. Feel free to share it with me if you want, or just toss it.”

6. Switch parent/child roles

After a child has gotten some space and calmed down, one way to talk about how to improve behavior next time is to ask hypothetical questions and even try a little role play. This kind of prompt can help them get out of their own head and see the bigger picture.

Say: “If you were the parent and I was the kid, what would you do if I came home and started yelling and pushing my brother and slamming the doors, and wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong?”

7. Model setting a concrete goal

If your teen or tween seems stuck in an unhealthy pattern of expressing (or not expressing) their emotions, it could help if they set a specific goal or intention, like only saying kind words to a sibling. But take it one day at a time to start.

Say: “Why don’t we each set a goal for the day, and we can check in with each other later? My goal is to look at people when I’m talking so I don’t have to yell across the house. So feel free to remind me if I forget.”

At CCS, we endeavor to create a comfortable and enjoyable approach to education for every grade level. 
 

Originally written by Joanna Eng and published here:

https://parents-together.org/7-calming-anger-and-anxiety-coping-skills-for-tweens-teens/

Praying Together with Your Teen

“In prayer you’re going to partner with God to unleash His power, to fulfill His perfect plan for your kids.” —Sally Burke, Parenting Pivot Challenge 

As parents, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of making sure our kids have a strong, lifelong faith. When it comes to prayer, we can’t make our kids have a prayer life, we can only encourage them to pursue it, and pray for a desire to build in their hearts to grow close to God

You may be a great example for your child, but their prayer life is between them and God; it doesn’t have to look exactly like yours. In the end, we can only hope and, yes, pray that they take advantage of God’s availability. But it’s hard to know how to begin when prayer doesn’t always come naturally. Here are a few ways you and your teen can experience prayer in a fresh way! We encourage you to first explore these on your own to strengthen your own prayer life, and afterward share them with your teen as part of helping them discover what works for them.

1. Lectio Divina. This is one form of contemplative prayer or “Christian meditation.” First, find a passage or verse you want to focus on and start by taking in the message. Then read it again and ponder it for understanding. Lastly, pray that God reveals His will to you. This can help us have a two-way conversation with God where we read His Word, and respond through prayer. Even if we don’t say anything to God, we can spend time in contemplative silence while focusing on Him, His presence, or His word.

2. Check-ins. Taking a few minutes to pray and check in with God can be a great way for your teen to connect with Him when they’re feeling busy or overwhelmed. This can be a time to vent their pent up feelings or just a time to be calm and rest their mind. And remember, there’s no time requirement for prayer. A simple “Hey God, I’m overwhelmed, be with me,” is enough. When talking with your teen about prayer, try to lift the pressure of expectations or time requirements, and encourage them to simply talk with Him in the way they feel most comfortable.

3. Music. Encourage your teen to pick their favorite praise songs and spend time speaking with God as it plays in the background. When they hear a verse that reflects their feelings or thoughts, they can take it directly to God and talk with Him about it. This also gives them space to repent of their sins and praise God for His forgiveness of them. And no, this doesn’t have to be limited to something they’d hear on K-Love! There are a lot of cool artists and bands out there who love Jesus, so encourage your teen to explore some different music if they’re not sure where to start. (P.S. Find some great music suggestions here!)

4. Prayer list. This list can take many different forms. The idea is to write out parts of our lives and acknowledge God’s role in them. For example, your teen might make a list of their strengths and positive attributes followed by God’s involvement and impact in their lives. After the list is finished, go over each bullet point with thankfulness, and give the praise to Him. And the list doesn’t have to be upbeat, either. Does your kid feel overwhelmed by everything going on in their life right now? Do they battle with negative thoughts? Have them write out each fear, worry, or struggle, and then go back and write God’s truth beside those things, reclaiming what the devil wants to use against them by embracing God’s sovereignty over all things.

5. Journaling. Writing out our prayers in a journal can be a great way to communicate with God in a way that helps us concentrate on our words. Think of this as a direct message to God; a love letter that He receives as we write. Sometimes writing helps us understand our thoughts and feelings better, so this can also simply be a therapeutic task to unwind and get some emotions on a page.

6. Daily Prayer App. This app has prayers to consider in the morning, afternoon, and evening. It has an opening prayer tab, a confession prayer tab, and a tab dedicated to scripture. We encourage you not only to follow these prayer guides but to dwell on their meaning and apply the messages specifically to your life.

Watch the accompanying webinar and get the additional resources from the original blog posted on Axis at:   https://info.axis.org/blog/practical-ways-to-integrate-prayer-into-your-daily-life

This blog was originally posted by Axis on October 23, 2020.

How to Stop Being a Control Freak with Your Kids by Tim Elmore

I just spoke to Sharon, a mom who is now teaching her three kids at home during the COVID-19 pandemic. The first few days were novel and even fun. The adrenaline that flows from doing something new had kicked in. Now, it’s a different story. Sharon told me recently her biggest struggle is wanting to control everything. I can see her point.

Wouldn’t it be nice to:

•     Control their attitudes?
•     Control their effort in school?
•     Control their ambition for studies?
•     Control their maturity levels?

Many people admit to being a control freak when I ask audiences to respond to the question. In fact, the number of people who raise their hands to acknowledge their desire for control is growing. More and more people wish they had more control over the situations and people in their life. A growing body of research suggests it isn’t limited to a certain temperament anymore. Most of us want it. It’s actually a form of perfectionism. “A new study published in Psychological Bulletin demonstrates that perfectionism is increasing over time: Today’s youth are more demanding of others, and they are more demanding of themselves. They also feel like other people (e.g., parents) are more demanding of them,” says U.C. Berkeley.

A simple definition for the term “control freak” is: “A person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation.”
What are some common symptoms of this disposition?

Look for these obvious indicators:

• Always correcting people (even children) when they’re wrong.
• Inability to delegate tasks.
• Always want to have the last word.
• Difficulty in admitting you’re are wrong.
• Always judging and criticizing others.
• Poor at collaboration and teamwork.
• Consistent desire to change others.

Why is this a growing reality today?

Consider human history. As time marches on, we’ve increased our ability to control more outcomes in our lives. Centuries ago, people were much more at risk for bad weather, poor health, and dying prematurely. We had less control over our everyday lives.
As the human race has advanced, we gained more control over our:

•     Health.
•     Comfort.
•     Infant mortality.
•     Efficiency in our work.
•     Productivity.

Further, the more we’re able to seize control, the more we expect to do so. We live in heated and air-conditioned homes. We have running water. We drive automobiles. You get the idea. Centuries ago, more realties were out of our control. We didn’t expect to control life. It only makes sense that our 21st-century experience has fostered a controlling mindset.

One of the reasons we struggle so much with COVID-19 is that it’s beyond our control. In fact, it’s scary because it’s out of our control.  What do we do when there’s nothing we can do?  We are confronted with our sinister selves. We can become a poor version of ourselves.

Use Your Three Buckets Well 

Let me challenge you with a simple but profound thought. If you are a bit of a control freak, it’s helpful to remember that every experience in your life fits into one of three buckets:

• It is in your control.
• It is out of your control.
• It is within your influence.

Obviously, each bucket requires a different response from us to lead in a healthy manner. In fact, our trouble comes when we place situations in the wrong bucket. Our children are not in our control, but they are within our influence. The coronavirus is out of our control, but we have some influence on how we handle our own response to it. Today’s weather? Completely out of our control. Too many people experience anguish because they place people and situations in the wrong bucket. Too many people waste sideways energy on items that are out of their control—but they’re trying to control them. We can be tempted to avoid responsibility for items that are in our control which only leads to trouble. We can try to manipulate people and situations that are out of our control, which also leads to trouble. Sound familiar? So, this week, may I recommend you place three buckets in a conspicuous place in your home. You may even want to mark them with the three titles I offered above.
Then, remember these truths:

    Bucket One—It is in my control. I must initiate and assume responsibility.

    Bucket Two—It is out of my control. I must trust the process and not manipulate it.

    Bucket Three—It is within my influence. I must respond wisely, doing what I can.

During our quarantine season, let’s put control on the shelf and enjoy the journey. It’s been said a million times, “I’ve learned that when you try to control everything you enjoy nothing.”

This metaphor, “Three Buckets” is part of a course called: Habitudes For Life-Giving Leaders. If you’d like to check it out, CLICK HERE.

The post first appeared on Growing Leaders.

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager?

The self-consciousness. The physical self-awareness. Trying to fit in. Doing whatever it took to gain peer acceptance. Attempting to act cool but looking like a fool. (I remember spilling soda on myself at McDonald’s in front of three girls, and I genuinely wanted to die right then and there!)

Being a teen is scary, awkward, and volatile. Unsurprisingly, they will produce tumult and stress in the home that younger children won’t. It’s a tough season of life for all involved, but moms and dads–and the Christian community as a whole, for that matter–need to reject the dread and cynicism that accompany this stage of life.

This weekend in Raleigh at my annual parenting livestream, I’m going to spend a full session on how we can more effectively love, parent, and influence our teens. Even if you don’t have a teen now or coming in the future, I would encourage you to tune in. You know parents with teenagers who need help, and God has also placed teens in your life who need wisdom and love!

So what does the Bible say about teenagers? Well … nothing! However, the Bible gives us excellent descriptions of the tendencies of youth. Here are just three things for you to consider as you raise and interact with the teens that God has placed in your life:

Teens don’t hunger for wisdom and correction.

Most teens think they are wiser than they actually are, and they believe their parents (and all adults, for that matter) have little practical insight to offer. It’s frustrating, yes, but I have watched far too many adults make correction bitter as they beat their teen with demeaning words.

Our call is to make wisdom attractive. You don’t do this with nasty, inflammatory confrontations. No wisdom is imparted in these moments. If you hit teens with a barrage of verbal bullets, they will either run for the bunker or come out firing themselves.

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

Teens make unwise choices in their companions.

There is a great deal of material in Proverbs about friendship and the influence that others have on you and your behavior. Yet teenagers tend to be prickly and protective when it comes to discussions of their friends.

We need to approach these conversations with sensitivity and patient love. Never resort to name-calling and character assassination. Your goal should be to ask probing questions that help the teen to examine their thoughts, desires, motives, choices, and behaviors concerning friendship.

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Teens lack a long-term investment perspective.

Teenagers tend to live for whatever they want in the moment, and they tend to put off their responsibilities until the very last minute. We must lovingly challenge their belief that this physical moment is all that matters.

Our teenagers need us to be on site, teaching them to look at the long view of life, not with harsh condemnation and frustration, but with empathy and forbearance. They need our help to see that every choice, every action is an investment and that it is impossible to live life without planting seeds that will be the plants of life they will someday harvest.

“Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the Lord, would have none of my counsel and despised all my reproof, therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way, and have their fill of their own devices.” (Proverbs 1:29-31)

I want to conclude this devotional with the same question that I started with:  do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? 

Effective parents are those who can remember what it was like to live in the scary world of those adolescent years and display the mercy that they once needed themselves as a teen.

I’m deeply persuaded that this is a period of unprecedented opportunity. I would go as far as to say that the teen years are the golden age of parenting, when you can help prepare adolescents for a productive, God-honoring life as an adult.

God bless,

Paul Tripp

Find out more at:  https://www.paultripp.com/wednesdays-word/posts/how-to-love-a-teenager